Heavy and Light

I realized when I signed on tonight that I have not written a blog in over a month. Since then, I am a year older but not much wiser. My baby also gained a year. It has been a month of heavy hearts and light conversations. As we said hello to a new baby niece, we also said goodbye to a dear grandfather. A first of many for a nine year old. A first time to say goodbye and to experience a loss. A first for the mother that had to explain death and wipe away tears at a funeral. How do you explain life and death when all they know is laughter, ball games and the occasional fight with the siblings? To my suprise, Ross explained it perfectly to his brother and sister. This became apparent when at the graveside, Reid (a 3 yr old) blurts out "Gene Pop is NOT there...he's gone!" Yes, a 9 year old's explanation to his siblings was that it was just a body. Gene Pop's spirit is already gone to be with Jesus. I couldn't have said it better.


Tonight, I took my niece to hear Jamie Tworkowski, the founder of my favorite organization, To Write Love on Her Arms. An organization that started as a few friends reaching out to a girl that was hurting. What started out as a t-shirt has turned into a movement. A movement to encourage love and hope. As I sat there listening to him and the story behind the organization, I realized that I had no right to be sitting there as if I am actually doing what I am meant to do. All my life, I have done what everyone else thinks I should do. I have a passion within that fights to get out and I just bury it back down. There is always some excuse why I can't think of what I need to be doing. Busying myself with kids and classes, trying to convince myself otherwise. Afraid that I don't possess the right tools that helping others requires, but the desire within me to reach out is growing stronger every year. God planted this desire in me long ago. He let me know that I have hurt and gone through all that I have for a reason. To help youth and others hurting. After Jamie spoke tonight, I had the privilage of talking to him for a moment. The voice inside getting louder as I listened and becoming more inspired. I feel like Moses. "Who, me?? Are you sure you don't mean that other much more outgoing person over there?" Yes, my thoughts are heavy tonight but my heart is light. It feels lifted as though I finally feel at peace about my journey and excited about where it will take me. I started a study with the ladies at church recently. Part of the study included a board that had a verse or words of inspiration written on it. Each quiet time session, we were to write something that spoke to us on the back of the board. The point of why I am telling this is that the boards were wrapped. You didn't know what yours said until you picked one and opened it up. God works in awesome ways. I picked one out and on my way home from church, I opened it up. My board reads: "Here am I, send me". At the first study, I heard something and wrote it down on the back of my board. I wrote, "God will use you when you are willing." I want to make a difference in at least one young girl's life. I am not perfect. It's okay that I am not perfect. God doesn't need perfect. He can use my broken life. Not to mend someone else's broken life but to offer the connection. To offer hope and love. To show a young girl that God never meant for bad things to happen to her and that He loves her and wants to hold her and comfort her the way only He can do.


I noticed on Facebook tonight that my niece posted her status as "Love is the Movement. You best believe it! Thank you Mims (thats me!) for telling me about TWLOHA!"


I love my niece. She turns 13 this week. Getting ready to face a big cruel world. I will make a difference in her life. Hopefully I already have.